Changing Times

Harvest is approaching rapidly. The grapes hang down, heavy and full, pregnant with juice and ripening sugars and acids. They burst with the pressure of rain and shrivel from the heat of the sun. The birds fly down in attack formation. They come as one, grab the berries whole and fly away. The unfortunate few get caught up in the nets. I try to free them but the rat terrier is quick or a well-aimed rock from the vineyard manager finds its mark and the war is no closer to being won. The wind whips down from the mountain range, on the tail of a pressure change. The chilly breaths raise goose bumps on my arm while the hot sun beats down on my neck. Black clothing reflects and absorbs the heat. There is little shade out in the rows. I huddle close to the vines. By mid afternoon the shadows grow long but the sun blazes on.

I can get lost in my thoughts in the mundane tasks of the vineyard. Lazily plucking at wind blown nets my mind recreates the past and wanders into the unknown future. As the days grow shorter my life, the one I have been living in ignorance and without great influence stretches out in front of me. I see my hiccups and wrong turns like potholes in city streets. Every misspoken word and phrase, every unintentional and intentional harmful utterance plays on my ears, scratching into my conscience, refusing to be ignored—the popping of balloons at a child’s party, seemingly harmless but stabbing me to the core.

Whomever I was is being forced upon my present state to learn from and be better for. I can watch my history like a movie, fast forward and rewind, pause, slow down, repeat. All the experiences I tried to record over stack upon each other and I know; I see clearly the effects of trying to change the past and I know that the only possible route is to learn from it.

Childhood dreams are tumbling down, washed over by waves of realization and reconciliation. I forgive myself my trespasses, but dwell on the task of avoiding them in the future. How long now have I stepped back, after the fact and seen where it, whatever it is at that moment, went wrong? Now is the time to pause. I give myself homework.